Figured I’d just write what’s on my mind and get this out. …
So….Today. TODAY — THE EXACT DAY — is NINE MONTHS EXACTLY — EXACTLY[!!!!!!!] since I’ve had a pill….Didn’t even realize it either until I saw the date…. I tried so hard to do it on April 20th — why? Well, that’s my favorite holiday…And it’s also the day my most favorite Rapper ever, Eminem, became clean & sober…And he’s such an immense inspiration, I mean just listen to his Music, watch his interviews especially and you’ll see what I mean…It took me a few extra days longer to fully do it though. But I did do it at last…After 14 fucking years….And I’m Not Afraid anymore.
It’s kinda funny, I even feel a bit guilty if I drink too much coffee now…Is that strange? …I haven’t even had any weed in weeks either…And that’s mainly because it’s hard to trust getting it from a source you don’t know, especially when it’s not legal in your state to buy it at a dispensary…
It is amazing though to come this far and look back and know that the year mark is coming up soon…And look back at my interviews that I thought were absolutely terrible because oh fuck, I blanked out, I got tongue tied, my questions aren’t as good as they used to be, I got information wrong, I fucked up on something, etc etc etc…And it still happens from time to time, but getting better…. It’s like I’m re-learning interviewing ALLLLL over again. Writing too, for that matter. I used to write ALLLLL the f’ing time and it was so effortlessly…So easy….Man, it took a while for the words to start flowing out of me…Art just seemed like the best way for me to get this out over the last 9 months, and it still is…There’s a different feeling with my Art now though, I used to go crazy into detail, as you can see if you look at the Art page….The one painting of the eyes, I was still fighting addiction and it helped me get through it — I said I’d keep painting until I no longer felt the urge to take something….And loooook at how that one turned out! It’s one of the craziest ones I’ve ever done. Not even sure how many hours went into it either, at least 40-60…
….Now it seems like I can actually draw and paint things without having to draw 5000 lines or whatever in them, although you can still tell through the recent Art, I still have a bit of chaos to get out of my head, hah hah….Animals are fun to draw. Maybe I’ll do one of those next for you all, change it up a bit…Because I do A LOT more than just abstract Art.
The painting below of the snake was painted over a matter of 3-4 months, as I was finally coming out of the addiction fully….And I literally felt like I was killing a serpent….I PHYSICALLY felt that way doing it. Hence all the ‘scars’ on her body….Which signifies my inner serpent….That I fucking slayed. And let me just say, there are LAYERS upon LAYERS of paint in this….This one took MONTHS….Between when I was inebriated and after when I was clean and sober. The smaller snake is the good snake, the gentle, Loving snake….Not like a Mamba that will strike, just to strike and kill or bring you near Death, like the serpent in the painting always would…. The Loving snake is standing in awe because she defeated it and it’s so beautiful, yet so deadly but yet…dead. She can actually go up to it now and admire the deceptive beauty of the serpent, which was skinned and stitched up for display, it’s STAYING PUT FOR GOOD, and a dark, yet beautiful reminder of the torment you went through to never take any drugs ever again…
Some days I still feel that thick haze in my mind and it literally stops you in your tracks from getting anything done, no matter how hard you try to push through…It’s frustrating…And very, very, VERY few seem to understand except for those who’ve been through it. Although, even the people who’ve been through it can be the most shaming toward you. Funny how that is. It’s like you try and reach out to people and either you get bitten by their serpent, because they end up talking behind your back completely breaking your Trust, or you feel like you’re just bothering everyone with your shit, when all you’re trying to do is interact with people again on a clean & sober level. And that’s something your friends may not even understand because who knows WTF is going through anybody’s head.
It does get frustrating at times…When all you want to do is feel normal again, but what the fuck is normal??? You are always you, always have been, always will be…. But the thing people need to fucking REALIZE is that ….. When you’ve been on prescribed pills for YEARS AND YEARS, nearly a decade and a half….Ummmmm your brain is rewiring itself and it takes time… IT. FUCKING. TAKES. TIME. ALL those brain cells you killed? Yeah, they’re slowly growing back….All of the chemical imbalances from all the pills….Yeah, your mind is still recovering, recuperating. You’re still figuring out who YOU are inside all over again, your brain is still stabilizing itself and making sense of the world again….Yeah, for most people they can push through a slight haze and get on with their day and go to work…. Others, like me, it’s not that simple….I’m pushing the best I can and people may not understand it. The one thing that has helped me out most is working on Damnation Vault. Regardless of the fact sometimes it takes me 12 hours to write an article to post for the day, it still helps. And the good news is that it’s getting easier each day to write and not taking nearly as long…. And it boosts my confidence big time to do interviews, especially with my most favorite Artists.
Some people may not see that these articles take that amount of time because writing comes easy for them and expect you to write something right away….Some of the Artists and people you’ve interviewed may not see the hard work and that gets frustrating too when you feel like it’s not even appreciated, but you still keep doing it… And they may not understand why it’s taken weeks to get an interview up, when in your mind you want to right away and you’re working hard at getting better with that….and then you are sitting there staring at the computer doing your best to type out and article for it and it’s just not ….coming out…. ….Or there are senses expectations of because people built their empires this way, ohhhh, you’re not doing fucking good enough because you’re not hustling enough!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WON’T GET ANYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!! are some of the messages I feel…Sometimes it is good to stop following people and looking at their posts that you once thought were inspiring, now seem shaming toward you, even if they didn’t mean it directly toward you, or who knows, maybe they did…You never know…Dealing with addiction and major trauma too from Life…Even head injuries//head trauma also play a major role in Mental Health….And woooow at how many I’ve had over the years ….so yeah, I’m just saying fuck it all right now and whatever DV turns into, is whatever it turns into. …And however Life is going….It’s going….
Whoever wants to take over the world with us to spread our mission around that Music heals and helps you through these things, is whoever is taking over the world with us.
I am closing this by saying, I am so grateful for the amount of LOVE and support DV has gotten especially this week with all of Angie and I’s articles and interviews. It’s amazing.
One more thing. Thank you Angie, for always being there, always checking on me, always making sure I’m ok. You are truly one of the most kind, genuine, and Loving human beings on this planet. I’m not sure I would’ve made it through some of those dark dark days where I felt like the world is better off without me in it, without you. And I’m so happy we’re doing all these articles and interviews! I Love You so much! <3
And I have to shout out my Mom too. Always send Love to Mom! No matter what. She brought you into this world. I Love You Mom!
OH yes….And one more thing…..I GOT THAT VENOM…..ADRENALINE MOMENTUM……………….