Currently in a reflective state of mind… listening to the EYEHATEGOD self titled album…Felt like
writing…I don’t even know what or why…. My mind is fucking spazzing out with thoughts… Sitting here
with the realization that I haven’t had a drug in about a month now. And when I mean drug…I mean pain
killers…Holy fuck at how easy doctors write them…Holy fuck at how they CONTINUE to keep writing
them for years and years and years…HOLY FUCK at how they overdose millions of innocent, unknowing
people…When your mind is wrapped in a fog because of these pain killers, it’s like if you’re at a bar,
constantly being fed shots, oh maybe another one will make you feel total bliss. HAH. These doctors are
still in business… HOLY FUCKING FUCK at how they take your mind, alter it to no end and back, bleed
your Soul and Patience dry…They fuck with your mind so much…One moment you’re in that false bliss of
the high, the next you’re in complete darkness, thinking maybe Life will get better if I take another
one…Maybe this internal pain, this physical pain that has to be from the internal pains of Life will go
away…You think, “something’s temporarily better than nothing!” …Why else would you even be going to
the doctor if you weren’t in physical pain at first, right? You think ‘maybe it will go away’…Ok you’ll take
another one, “you know your limits”! AHHH you’re finally feeling something….NOW you have this sense
of confidence and motivation come over you! YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!! YOU’RE KING OF THE
WORLD!!!!!!!!…FUCK…A rush of anxiety passes through as your heart jumps…YOU HAVE TO WORK IN AN
HOUR!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!! Your mind is suddenly a convoluted chaotic mess…YOU HOPE NOBODY
NOTICES…You can’t let anybody know as you’ve been looked down upon before and it makes you feel
like shit…But how do you get yourself out of this vicious cycle?!?! FUCK….YOU JUST KEEP THINKING
‘FUCK!!!!! MAYBE IF YOU DRAW ON THE HEAVY WINGED EYELINER, NOBODY WILL NOTICE YOUR
PINPOINT EYES…EH DOES IT REALLY MATTER ANYWAY, YOU’RE BARTENDING…
You rush with 5 minutes until your shift….You make it just in time! You’re kinda shaking from the
anxiety…And as you go around asking people for drinks buzzed….You make it to a table of bikers you’ve
served all night…And hear “Let’s do a Black Tooth Grin!” ….You think “Ok whew…Yeah maybe the
alcohol will calm my anxiety down.” You take that first shot…You suddenly feel that harsh, pungent sting
of whiskey hit the back of your throat mixed with the taste of Coke as you feel a tiny rush of
adrenaline…. Your night starts to fly by…Another person at the bar offers you a shot…You’re feeling
great, why not! …You think for a second…Nahhh this won’t mess with the pain killers, you feel fine…
Your shift keeps going by fast…Another person buys you a shot…And another…And another…..Pretty
soon you catch yourself dropping and breaking a shot glass….You’re having fun…The customers are
playing Heavy Metal on the jukebox all night…YEAHHH! THIS IS FUN! Ok…Time to drink a bunch of water
and close the bar, maybe none of the people you served will remember you were drunk…OK now time
to lock the doors…Now you have to mop this bitch….You count the till and then your tips…And then you
head home… Your feet ache as you sit down with a warped visual perspective…You drink some more
water…You make it to your bed….Your body feels twitchy, achy, and a little sweaty too as you let out a
yawn and your eyes water…It’s been 10 hours since you’ve had a pill….Ok, time for another one….You’re
thinking you fucking deserve this! You notice you only have a handful left…But think to yourself, it’s ok,
you can get kratom overnighted, eventually you just want to get on that because it’s all natural! You go
to your bottle of sleeping pills and “anti-“anxiety pills….You take one of each….You start to feel
loopy….Your mind feels like it’s in a false sense of a dream…The walls are blurring….You’re hungry
now…You go downstairs, eat half of an extra large delivery pizza that you custom ordered to be plant
based….You pour on the extra seasonings and red pepper…You start to feel better and not sodrunk….You realize you have to be awake at 8AM in the morning to speak in front of the Senate with politicians alllllllll around and it’s 4AM….FUCKKK….YOU HAVE TO SLEEP!!!!!! You lay there, your mind shredding itself with even more anxiety of how you’re not going to sleep…You reach for your bottle…Take another pill….
[[Now playing Choosing Mental Illness As A Virtue by Philip H. Anselmo and The Illegals]]
You awaken at 8AM the next morning….You reach for a pill…You scream at yourself and reassure yourself in your mind that you’re weening down! AND THIS IS IT!!!! YOU’RE WEENING DOWN FOR GOOD AND YOU’RE GETTING OFF OF THESE!!!!! You keep telling yourself over and over and over…Which is something you’ve been telling yourself for years AND YEARS though…. You wait until you feel something and then get out of bed to make some coffee…Fuck…. OK time to cover it up yet again with makeup that you have a drug addiction…. You head to this meeting…You’re hung over…Tired….Dry mouthed…You look over your notes….You are sitting in a room full of well-dressed people you know who don’t understand you – maybe a few do, maybe not.… You catch your eyes rolling in the back of your head from being so tired and medicated….You sit there with the anticipation of leaving because you just want to go back and sleep before your next shift… AHHH the meeting’s finally over…You head home….You turn on some music…You check your e-mails…You realize you have to call a list of people today! Are you ever going to sleep! OK, you’ll just go to sleep for a few minutes….You set your alarm….You look at the combination of pill bottles next to your bed….You look at them with such guilt and remorse…The last thing you want in your heart is to take another one….But your mind begins to buzz with the anxieties of what everyone probably thought of you earlier and how you can’t let it slip that you are addicted to these legally dispensed drugs! NOOO! NOT YOU!!!!!! …So you guiltily and remorsefully open those bottles and take another handful…You lay there enjoying the Music, feeling the buzz until you fall asleep….You wake up an hour later with the overwhelming anxiety of all of these calls you have to make!!! You can’t let anybody down!!!!! You have to live up to that perfect image of yours that’s displayed!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
[[now playing Scour’s Red EP]]
…You feel an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion taking over….You must sleep….You have to work tonight!!!!! You’ll be strong….You can just drink water tonight you think as you drift back into your chemically induced sleep state…. You wake up an hour before your shift….You rush to eat something to give you some energy for a busy night…BUUUUT you don’t have time! You’ll just eat a soft pretzel at the bar tonight to get through… TIME FOR MAKEUP!!!!! Ok…Here we go! Back to work you go…. …And the vicious cycle continues and continues….Your mind slides into this dark oblivion…You feel like you’re completely alone…You feel like you want to die…You’ve already tried before…A couple of times…But each time you woke up….Or came out of the haze….You feel like you’re better off dead, then people won’t have to deal with you. You’re just a piece of fucking shit, that’s all you’ll ever be…Because that’s drilled in your head from people reacting, harassing, and judging you over the years..From people passing by you saying the meanest things, videoing you, taking pictures of you at your lowest points for their social media self-gratification…Even if it’s in the middle of an interview you’re having outside…..You’re fighting so fucking hard to end this cycle…FUUUUCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!! Instead of taking that bottle of pills that you want to take so you don’t have to wake up and face the days ever again, you turn on some Music instead…Pantera always puts you in a good mood…Maybe that will help….You immediately turn on Suicide Note Part I….You listen to how fucking REAL those words Phil’s singing are…You fucking FEEEEEEEL it…And something within sparks inside of you, you finally get lost in the Music…You realize someone else was feeling what you are feeling right now…. Hmmm….Maybe you could talk to him, do an interview….Why not ask….It’s only been your dream to talk to the voice behind Pantera since you were a teen…. You send in the e-mail….Why not….He seems pretty cool, you’ve only watched practically every Pantera [and any band associated with Pantera] interview that’s online throughout the years. So…You finally get the e-mail with the go ahead…. You are actually off of pain killers that day, as you were experimenting with taking kratom instead….You nervously pick up the phone….You remember letting out a few shaky breaths….And then he answers the phone….. Here is the LIFE CHANGING and WORLD CHANGING interview that transpires…….. [You can listen in the video below or read the entire transcript here: An Interview With Philip H. Anselmo!]
And then you slowly begin your journey to being clean and sober…..
